Friday, August 1, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Fight or flight? Just stick it out
Is it me, or is panic running wild through the streets of Juneau? It seems like every other friend is loading a barge for other parts. There's no question these are strange and unsettling times, and almost sure to get stranger. I can certainly understand friends wanting to be closer to their families. Circling up to share the work, share the expenses, and reduce travel costs. But many people have told me they are leaving because they are worried about the price of fuel. And the avalanche certainly messed with everyone's sense of security.
But before you jump ship in a panic, ask yourself, where are you going that's better? California is on fire and it's only the first week of July. The midsection of the country was battling floods while tornadoes blew through Washington, D.C. Right now, Hurricane Bertha is headed for the East Coast. People in other regions have a lot of uncertainty hanging over their heads. Add to it the one certainty we all have, that fuel is going to go up, and it doesn't sound like the grass is any greener.
Every time I talk to one of my friends in other parts of the country, they say the same thing: "But you don't have to commute!" I know, we all gripe about the "long commute" from the valley to downtown, but for most of the country that is not a commute. And most people here haven't even begun to think about taking the bus or carpooling.
I know we live in a rain forest, that we don't have the option of solar anything in the winter, that it will snow. But our environment is still relatively stable. When you're planning, it's nice to have some things you can count on, even if it's that it's going to get very, very cold. So will it be fight or flight? I vote for fight.
Other things you can count on if you choose to stay and fight are: F ... Fresh air and fish. I ... Interconnection with friends near and far, thanks to technology, and connection to our neighbors. G ... A genuine life, polar fleece and Xtra-tufs work fine. ★ ... Help and heart through happiness and hardship. T ... Short travel times. Trees to fuel your wood burner.
When it comes to fight or flight, we've already shown the world that we can fight. Our 30 percent reduction in energy is, literally, the talk of the planet.
We know Alaskans are different. So you singles especially, stay and fight. Find someone who is resourceful and self-reliant to ride out this storm. What better attributes are there to have in a mate?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Of monks and men: Coffin combines boxing and BuddhismBy Courtney Nelson | For the Juneau Empire
Jaed Coffin is as complex as his dichotomous life. Not only was the 28-year-old a Southeast Alaska middleweight boxing champion in 2004, he's also an ordained Buddhist monk.
A boxing Buddha, if you will.
Coffin, who was The Island Institute of Sitka's April writer-in-residence, also authored a book about his time in a Thai monastery called "A Chant to Soothe Wild Elephants" released by De Capo Press.
Coffin left his hometown in Maine at 21 and returned to his mother's native village of Panomsarakram in Thailand to connect with his cultural origins and bring him closer to the spiritual foundations of his family and their village. He became ordained as a Buddhist monk while there to fulfill a familial obligation, as almost every man in his family had done, and to earn good karma for his family.
Coffin left the monastery and returned to the United States.
After a time of wanderlust which found him running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, backpacking through Mexico and traveling around the Lower 48, he eventually ended up in Alaska after kayaking solo from the San Juan Islands to Sitka.
"(It was a) spontaneous decision to buy a sea kayak and solo kayak from the San Juan Islands up to Sitka," he said. "When I got to Sitka I didn't have any plans to stay but a contact of mine suggested I get a job at the Native education program. I applied for the job, got it that day, then had a life in Sitka for a little while."
In addition to teaching, Coffin began boxing in Sitka. He trained with Victor Littlefield, who taught him "boxing is controlled aggression and the imposing of your will over someone else's."
This philosophy contradicted the Theravada Buddhist tradition he learned in Thailand where anything seen as a lack of self control "is considered antithetical to the monastic practice."
However Coffin, who fought as an amateur in the Lower 48, said he never felt out of control inside the ring.
"I don't think I've ever lost control in the ring," he said. "My first several fights at Roughhouse (at Marlintini's Lounge), you don't know what you're doing, so you dive forward and plunge forward and that's what most of those fights are like, you know, brawls.
"But I think the thing you learn as a boxer is just to keep control always, and that's what wins fights. Stay disciplined."
Coffin combined the opposing forces of stillness and action as well as Thai and American cultures which deepened his experiences.
Coffin has a deep commitment to the Buddhist tradition his mother brought him up in, but he left the monastery because he was more inclined to be a boxer than a monk.
"One very strong part of my personality is a desire to do things and try things which doesn't happen when you are a monk ... you have to stay put and sit still."
His experience in Thailand taught him discipline. Because he learned how to be still and meditate, Coffin believes it made him a better boxer.
"The notion of meditation when you fight is very important because boxers that have a lot of passion when they fight will tire themselves out and you have to really learn to be calm in moments of a lot of aggression, which is a unique combination."
Coffin retired from the ring due to a neck injury in 2007 after winning several amateur championships, including the 2006 Northern New England Golden Gloves title. Coffin suffered the injury while sparring in Maine.
He said the injury just made him sure he is supposed to be a writer.
Coffin wrote an article about Roughhouse boxing when he got back to Maine for his hometown paper, but he didn't consider it to be a book idea until his agent pushed him to think about his next project.
Coffin wrote 70 pages of a memoir, but admits his boxing book has taken a different turn since coming to Sitka.
"The fellowship with The Island Institute has changed everything for me because now I'm here and it breaks that bubble of imagination," he said. "When you are away you can think, wow, this is the world I imagined, but now that I'm here everything seems more visceral and more real and I went to the fights on (April 11) and that makes everything more present in my imagination. It complicates things but it will be a better book."
He's also writing an article on Southeast Alaska boxing for the New York Times new sports magazine, Play.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I can't read your mind! Or can I?
There are few things more irritating in a relationship than having your mate pout, "You should have known!" First they don't care where you eat, then when their chimichanga arrives, you should have known they wanted chow mein.
Experts say there is no room for mind reading in a relationship. Maybe not, but every car salesman or Casanova will tell you it's the nonverbal communication that seals the deal.
It doesn't take a crystal ball; the messages are always being sent. You just have to pay attention to body language to hear them. It will open up a whole new level of communication and give you an edge in the competitive world of dating.
Birds preen, so do we. If you see someone across the room tossing their head or brushing their fingers through their hair, they are preening for you. You'll know it's for you, because it will be accompanied by looks that linger a little long.
Preening might be followed by displaying. Men and women both thrust, wiggle and shimmy to draw attention to key body parts. Women show off all their territory, while men tend to suck in their guts, spread their legs, and focus on lower torso displays. Women are big on licking their lips.
Next comes contact. Is the handshake a two-finger-wimpy or a bone crusher? Clammy or dry? If it's a hug, is it cuddly, or stiff with back pounding like they expect you to cough up a furball?
We'll assume the initial contact got them to level two, or at least wasn't a complete turnoff, and now you're talking. Is he or she standing a little close, square on you, blocking out competition? Accidentally brushing you? Imitating your gestures or language and holding eye contact? Are those lips being licked? All signs of positive engagement. Nice. And flattering.
But is it real? I hate to inject a buzz kill, but while birds might not practice deceit in their mating dance, humans do.
We play some pretty dumb games - think chimichanga vs. chow mein. So listening to yourself is just as important as listening to them.
Pay attention to your gut, it has a savvy mind of it's own. You always want their smile to go all the way to their eyes. Half smiles, or twitches and ticks, should put you on high alert for deceit. Beads of sweat? Generally not a good sign. Nor are wandering eyes, answering their cell phone, or texting while you're talking. Knot in your stomach? Message delivered.
Now is the time to save yourself and your friends a lot of pain by sending a signal of your own. Fold your wings snugly across your lovely torso and break eye contact.
Then fly around and check out a different flock.
Experts say there is no room for mind reading in a relationship. Maybe not, but every car salesman or Casanova will tell you it's the nonverbal communication that seals the deal.
It doesn't take a crystal ball; the messages are always being sent. You just have to pay attention to body language to hear them. It will open up a whole new level of communication and give you an edge in the competitive world of dating.
Birds preen, so do we. If you see someone across the room tossing their head or brushing their fingers through their hair, they are preening for you. You'll know it's for you, because it will be accompanied by looks that linger a little long.
Preening might be followed by displaying. Men and women both thrust, wiggle and shimmy to draw attention to key body parts. Women show off all their territory, while men tend to suck in their guts, spread their legs, and focus on lower torso displays. Women are big on licking their lips.
Next comes contact. Is the handshake a two-finger-wimpy or a bone crusher? Clammy or dry? If it's a hug, is it cuddly, or stiff with back pounding like they expect you to cough up a furball?
We'll assume the initial contact got them to level two, or at least wasn't a complete turnoff, and now you're talking. Is he or she standing a little close, square on you, blocking out competition? Accidentally brushing you? Imitating your gestures or language and holding eye contact? Are those lips being licked? All signs of positive engagement. Nice. And flattering.
But is it real? I hate to inject a buzz kill, but while birds might not practice deceit in their mating dance, humans do.
We play some pretty dumb games - think chimichanga vs. chow mein. So listening to yourself is just as important as listening to them.
Pay attention to your gut, it has a savvy mind of it's own. You always want their smile to go all the way to their eyes. Half smiles, or twitches and ticks, should put you on high alert for deceit. Beads of sweat? Generally not a good sign. Nor are wandering eyes, answering their cell phone, or texting while you're talking. Knot in your stomach? Message delivered.
Now is the time to save yourself and your friends a lot of pain by sending a signal of your own. Fold your wings snugly across your lovely torso and break eye contact.
Then fly around and check out a different flock.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Learn to wait for the right moment
"I love the idea of 'the one,' but I actually believe that there isn't a Miss Right. There are 12,000 Miss Rights out there and it's all timing." - Matthew Perry.
Are there 12,000 in Juneau? Highly unlikely. But timing has been on my mind, because it's the spring equinox; it is one of only two days all year when dark and light find balance. Many people feel that is about on a par with how often their relationship strikes that fine balance. Just like the solstice, people in a relationship have those rare, totally aligned days. The rest of the time they are a little off-kilter but they've still got enough magnetic stick to keep 'em rocketing through space together.
I thought about testing Perry's timing theory, but I wouldn't know how to begin. Nevertheless, I did ask a whole lot of paired-up people when they knew their partner was "the one," and what part timing played in their overall hook-up scenario.
There were more than a few who felt "the one" had gotten away through bad timing. Generally because they moved away either because they got work, or they got deported. Or one of them was in a relationship with someone else.
But even when the timing did work out, it wasn't always a sudden, swept-off-their-feet, timing event. For a few people it took time to get to know each other. Or it took time for their lives to align. A few admitted that the hook-up timing corresponded exactly to the two minutes it took for the little pink lines to appear on the pregnancy test stick. It seems you can hurry commitment, but you can't hurry love.
As with all things love, there are as many stories as there are people in the city. Here is a sampling taken in the children's play area at the Mendenhall Mall. One woman said her future husband was "the one" when he picked her up for their first date piloting his own Cessna. One man provided the pregnancy stick story. Another man said he knew his wife was "the one" the moment he laid eyes on her walking her golden retriever.
One friend was introduced by a mutual friend to the love of her life while at The Viper Room in Los Angeles. At the time she was engaged to someone else, and he was just visiting from Boston with a girlfriend back East. For the next three years they asked the mutual friend about each other. Neither of them committed to someone else. Eventually, timing aligned their lives. She moved to Boston for school, and they were reunited, married and have two children.
My aunt in the California wine country has been dating someone she really likes, but he just left for a three-month Ayurvedic head massage course in India, and can't be reached. Their timing may be off, or it may just be slow. But whether or not he is massaging her head 20 years from now - only time will tell.
Happy spring!
Are there 12,000 in Juneau? Highly unlikely. But timing has been on my mind, because it's the spring equinox; it is one of only two days all year when dark and light find balance. Many people feel that is about on a par with how often their relationship strikes that fine balance. Just like the solstice, people in a relationship have those rare, totally aligned days. The rest of the time they are a little off-kilter but they've still got enough magnetic stick to keep 'em rocketing through space together.
I thought about testing Perry's timing theory, but I wouldn't know how to begin. Nevertheless, I did ask a whole lot of paired-up people when they knew their partner was "the one," and what part timing played in their overall hook-up scenario.
There were more than a few who felt "the one" had gotten away through bad timing. Generally because they moved away either because they got work, or they got deported. Or one of them was in a relationship with someone else.
But even when the timing did work out, it wasn't always a sudden, swept-off-their-feet, timing event. For a few people it took time to get to know each other. Or it took time for their lives to align. A few admitted that the hook-up timing corresponded exactly to the two minutes it took for the little pink lines to appear on the pregnancy test stick. It seems you can hurry commitment, but you can't hurry love.
As with all things love, there are as many stories as there are people in the city. Here is a sampling taken in the children's play area at the Mendenhall Mall. One woman said her future husband was "the one" when he picked her up for their first date piloting his own Cessna. One man provided the pregnancy stick story. Another man said he knew his wife was "the one" the moment he laid eyes on her walking her golden retriever.
One friend was introduced by a mutual friend to the love of her life while at The Viper Room in Los Angeles. At the time she was engaged to someone else, and he was just visiting from Boston with a girlfriend back East. For the next three years they asked the mutual friend about each other. Neither of them committed to someone else. Eventually, timing aligned their lives. She moved to Boston for school, and they were reunited, married and have two children.
My aunt in the California wine country has been dating someone she really likes, but he just left for a three-month Ayurvedic head massage course in India, and can't be reached. Their timing may be off, or it may just be slow. But whether or not he is massaging her head 20 years from now - only time will tell.
Happy spring!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
What's your deal?
Like a high-stakes game of strip poker, people can reveal their cards slowly in the world of online dating. You can show your best cards first, while keeping some in the hole.
I have a friend who tried Matchmaker.com. I'll call her "Pink." Pink is a very attractive girl, so she laid down the Queen of Hearts. She posted pictures of herself doing guy-bait things such as fishing in a bikini and hiking in short shorts. For the intellectuals, she revealed her master's degree card.
Her mailbox filled up the first day, and after that she was always on a date - breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every time I talked to her, she was meeting a prospect for a drink. She met chiropractors, cancer survivors, certified public accountants, actors and architects.
On one date, she played her Red Bull and Absolute card. She got so inspired by a live dance performance, she dive-rolled onto the stage to join in. She scared off her date, but she convinced me to join Matchmaker.com for a free 30-day trial period.
When I joined the game, I anted up at my favorite sushi bar three times.
Card deal No. 1 was a 6-foot-5-inch Gap executive wearing a blue suit. He'd played the successful-and-stable card and bored me with thread-count talk over sashimi. I played my humor card. The sushi chef, like a dealer, watched our first date theater as he sliced our fish and chuckled at my stories. Then S&S card and I strolled the promenade under a lunar eclipse. He seemed like a decent hand, but not a winner. We ran into two of my sassiest friends who toyed with him mercilessly. He ran to his car as my friends heckled him. What a bust.
Deal No. 2 impressed me with a stunning photo, which after meeting him I realized must have taken a makeover team and Photoshop to pull off. I gave him a chance though (I was hungry). My sushi chef, Sinse, rolled his eyes as he heard me laugh at my same stupid stories. Photoshop guy fell apart and folded. His cards were so low, he actually cried about his mother at one point. After a disapproving double-eyebrow lift from Sinse, I got the name of Photoshop's photographer and recommended a good therapist.
Deal No. 3 was an actor who loved to break out into Shakespearean monologues. His voice boomed, which hurt Sinse's ears. I passed on his paint cards and decided to sit this one out.
Luckily, I let my trial Matchmaker.com membership expire and eventually booked a ferry ticket to Juneau. Alaska's capital is so small, chances are you will know the entire history of someone you see online. It's kind of like counting cards. You have a pretty good idea when to draw and when to pass.
But everyone is dealt a different hand, so why not have a single friend party? Everyone can bring a friend they aren't dating and shuffle the cards with no pressure.
And Pink? She went "all in." She's having her third child with her husband, who she met while vacationing in Paris. Now that's a royal flush.
I have a friend who tried Matchmaker.com. I'll call her "Pink." Pink is a very attractive girl, so she laid down the Queen of Hearts. She posted pictures of herself doing guy-bait things such as fishing in a bikini and hiking in short shorts. For the intellectuals, she revealed her master's degree card.
Her mailbox filled up the first day, and after that she was always on a date - breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every time I talked to her, she was meeting a prospect for a drink. She met chiropractors, cancer survivors, certified public accountants, actors and architects.
On one date, she played her Red Bull and Absolute card. She got so inspired by a live dance performance, she dive-rolled onto the stage to join in. She scared off her date, but she convinced me to join Matchmaker.com for a free 30-day trial period.
When I joined the game, I anted up at my favorite sushi bar three times.
Card deal No. 1 was a 6-foot-5-inch Gap executive wearing a blue suit. He'd played the successful-and-stable card and bored me with thread-count talk over sashimi. I played my humor card. The sushi chef, like a dealer, watched our first date theater as he sliced our fish and chuckled at my stories. Then S&S card and I strolled the promenade under a lunar eclipse. He seemed like a decent hand, but not a winner. We ran into two of my sassiest friends who toyed with him mercilessly. He ran to his car as my friends heckled him. What a bust.
Deal No. 2 impressed me with a stunning photo, which after meeting him I realized must have taken a makeover team and Photoshop to pull off. I gave him a chance though (I was hungry). My sushi chef, Sinse, rolled his eyes as he heard me laugh at my same stupid stories. Photoshop guy fell apart and folded. His cards were so low, he actually cried about his mother at one point. After a disapproving double-eyebrow lift from Sinse, I got the name of Photoshop's photographer and recommended a good therapist.
Deal No. 3 was an actor who loved to break out into Shakespearean monologues. His voice boomed, which hurt Sinse's ears. I passed on his paint cards and decided to sit this one out.
Luckily, I let my trial Matchmaker.com membership expire and eventually booked a ferry ticket to Juneau. Alaska's capital is so small, chances are you will know the entire history of someone you see online. It's kind of like counting cards. You have a pretty good idea when to draw and when to pass.
But everyone is dealt a different hand, so why not have a single friend party? Everyone can bring a friend they aren't dating and shuffle the cards with no pressure.
And Pink? She went "all in." She's having her third child with her husband, who she met while vacationing in Paris. Now that's a royal flush.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Down the rabbit hole
By Courtney Nelson | Juneau Empire
If you're interested in being in a relationship but haven't had any luck, maybe it's time to take a trip down the rabbit hole. Maybe it's time to forget everything you think you know about love and relationships, and free-fall into the unknown like Alice in Wonderland.
First you'll need someone to lead you down the bunny hole. Find someone you trust. Someone who has what you want. Ask them to give you a few pointers on finding love. Sometimes a gentle but honest assessment from a mentor can push you outside your box.
Here is a case in point:
I went to a birthday party at Shoefly last month for a good friend. It quickly resembled the Mad Hatter's tea party.
I walked in and was handed a beverage. "Drink this," my friend said. Homemade birthday cake followed. "Eat this."
I found myself surrounded by whiskey, wine and wild female hockey players. The doors were closed, the party was private, and we started to try on shoes together.
At first we all gravitated toward practical shoes: brown clogs and rain boots. But then we began to encourage each other to try on more daring shoes. Soon boxes were exploding from the back, shoes with sequins, high-heels, feathers and jewels. Drinks flowed and there was whistling and laughter as we collectively turned into Juneau shoe divas.
How was this possible with icy streets outside? It was so impractical yet felt so good at the same time. The area around the large mirror soon resembled a fun house and a catwalk as we went from frump to fabulous, strutting around in divine design.
The birthday girl found herself a pair of red shoes she wouldn't have picked out on her own, and they went home with her with no hesitation. She wouldn't have bought them on her own, but when she put them on, we told her she had to have them. She walks differently now, with more of a strut.
I have another friend who never dresses up at all. Baggy pants and oversized sweatshirts are her standard wear. One day I approached her in class and pleaded with her to allow me to make her over. She agreed reluctantly, and I got to dress her up like my own Barbie, then took her to a masquerade ball at Jaded.
A masquerade at a masquerade. Red lipstick, a skirt, a sequined black top, her long hair released from its normal ponytail, and a black-feathered mask. Men were swooning the instant she walked in the door. I didn't talk to her all night, but she says she had a great time. She had never seen herself in that light.
So if you've had some love struggles, turn yourself over to a good friend or a smoking caterpillar for direction. See what happens. Try on a different aspect of your persona. See if there's a strut or some swoons lurking in your looking glass.
If you're interested in being in a relationship but haven't had any luck, maybe it's time to take a trip down the rabbit hole. Maybe it's time to forget everything you think you know about love and relationships, and free-fall into the unknown like Alice in Wonderland.
First you'll need someone to lead you down the bunny hole. Find someone you trust. Someone who has what you want. Ask them to give you a few pointers on finding love. Sometimes a gentle but honest assessment from a mentor can push you outside your box.
Here is a case in point:
I went to a birthday party at Shoefly last month for a good friend. It quickly resembled the Mad Hatter's tea party.
I walked in and was handed a beverage. "Drink this," my friend said. Homemade birthday cake followed. "Eat this."
I found myself surrounded by whiskey, wine and wild female hockey players. The doors were closed, the party was private, and we started to try on shoes together.
At first we all gravitated toward practical shoes: brown clogs and rain boots. But then we began to encourage each other to try on more daring shoes. Soon boxes were exploding from the back, shoes with sequins, high-heels, feathers and jewels. Drinks flowed and there was whistling and laughter as we collectively turned into Juneau shoe divas.
How was this possible with icy streets outside? It was so impractical yet felt so good at the same time. The area around the large mirror soon resembled a fun house and a catwalk as we went from frump to fabulous, strutting around in divine design.
The birthday girl found herself a pair of red shoes she wouldn't have picked out on her own, and they went home with her with no hesitation. She wouldn't have bought them on her own, but when she put them on, we told her she had to have them. She walks differently now, with more of a strut.
I have another friend who never dresses up at all. Baggy pants and oversized sweatshirts are her standard wear. One day I approached her in class and pleaded with her to allow me to make her over. She agreed reluctantly, and I got to dress her up like my own Barbie, then took her to a masquerade ball at Jaded.
A masquerade at a masquerade. Red lipstick, a skirt, a sequined black top, her long hair released from its normal ponytail, and a black-feathered mask. Men were swooning the instant she walked in the door. I didn't talk to her all night, but she says she had a great time. She had never seen herself in that light.
So if you've had some love struggles, turn yourself over to a good friend or a smoking caterpillar for direction. See what happens. Try on a different aspect of your persona. See if there's a strut or some swoons lurking in your looking glass.
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